Deus Ex The playing
by Evil Bob 616
Summary: I felt I owed something to Deus Ex simply for being awesome, so I wrote a short fic mocking it. Enjoy. Most of the jokes you probably wont get if you havent played it.


Right... I have actually been playing Deus Ex recently and I figured to wirte a fic... The easiest way to do this for a very lazy author? Base it on a conversation between two people playing the game.

Anyway, I only wrote this in an affectionate sort of 'Thanks for being awesome Deus Ex' way, I hope you as the reader enjoy it.

Also, the way I handled the charactors is supposed to reflect the way the player feels whilst playing, its not meant to make them looks stupid or whatever, though some of them do have terrible accents.

On with the funny :)

* * *

Its dark, cold, and everything is made of dull metal textures and darkness. JC Denton reaches the bottom of a giant 100ft tall machine, a feat which has taken many continues due to a broken right analogue stick, here he is confronted by Maggie Chow, a baddie from earlier.

Maggie Chow (in terrible Chinese accent): So... How exactly did you find the sword hidden in my apartment?

JC: Oh, that? I used an internet walkthrough... Then your maid started freaking out so I had to shoot her too... Sorry.

Maggie Chow: Bad move agent... Looks like I am going to have to be the one to kill you

Maggie Chow ignites a dragons tooth sword and charges, JC steps aside and she falls over and dies, due to having lower health than any of the basic enemies

JC: Wow... That was easy...

Back to reality...

1000 Hours

Leeds- semi-detached house

The weather is typically English, meaning it is raining heavily. Stan, an avid gamer, woke two hours ago and has been playing Deus Ex on the PS2 since (he does not own the PC version.) Dave, his brother, enters the room.

Dave: Hey Stan...

Stan: Hi

Dave: So... What's that?

Stan: Its Deus Ex

Dave: Which one? There are two, right?

Stan: The good one

Dave: Right... It looks kinda... Old

Stan: Yeah, I have gone back to last-gen, since current-gen sucks... All these game designers talking about 'Quality over quantity...' I seem to remember having both a few years ago.

Dave: Or all your internet friends were complaining about stuff and you thought you would join them, and this is some kind of futile protest.

Stan: No, I just...

Dave: Whatever, im getting a coke.

Stan: Watch out in the kitchen, the fridge is now guarded by a grid of laser tripwires, cameras and turrets. If you get past that you will have to avoid the security robots and talk to many NPC's, each with more ridiculous accents than the last.

Dave: ...What?

Stan: Sorry, I have been playing this all morning... It sounded funnier in my head

Dave: ...Whatever

Dave leaves the room, returning moments later with a bottle of coke

Dave: What are you doing on it anyway

Stan: By default, running around in circles talking to NPC's... Which can actually be pretty painful at times.

Dave: What do you mean?

Gunther Herman (on the game): You killed Anna Navarre! Now I am going to be shooting you, yah!

Dave: ...My god

Stan: Yeah, im pretty sure I could do a better German accent than that... Rather than hiring voice actors they seem to have just imitated all the accents themselves, there's Chinese, Australian, that German guy you just heard... Its actually borderline racist.

Dave: Wow, that sucks

Stan: How much coke is left?

Dave: A few bottles

Stan: Im gonna go get a bottle... Do not touch this

Dave: Sure

Stan: You understand what I mean when I say that, yes?

Dave: Yeah

Stan: ...Im gonna save, just to be sure

Dave: Okay

Stan saves the game and then leaves the room. Dave has literally already started playing before the door has closed. Stan re-enters

Stan: I had a feeling you would do that...

Dave: Im just keeping your seat warm... Hey, what does that robot do?

Stan: Don't!

Dave: ... Well shit

Stan: That was a nasty security robot...You just got owned... Lucky I saved

Dave: Yeah... Can I start my own file?

Stan: Sure, you're starting from the beginning though

Dave: Okay

Stan: You probably want to do the training

Dave: Is it the general generic training mission?

Stan: Yes

Dave: Well to hell with that, you can just tell me anything I need to know... Don't even think about going anywhere, though.

Stan: Im kinda curious to watch anyway

Dave: Riiight... What the hell is this?

Stan: You have to choose which skills to upgrade

Dave: Ok... Which one makes me kill stuff better?

Stan: ... Excuse me?

Dave: Which one is best for killing people?

Stan: I knew what you meant... That was just one of the worst uses of the English language I have ever heard

Dave: Are you going to help me or not?

Stan: It depends how you are going to play, you might want to save those points for a while.

Dave: Fine by me... Im on a dock now

Stan: Yeah

Its night, as it always is in this game, JC Denton is on a pier and his brother Paul runs down

JC: Hey Paul

Paul: JC, I have to give you a gun, you have three to chose from

JC: Shoot, not literally, though

Paul (After an unfriendly glare): You can have a sniper rifle, good over distance. There's a GEP gun which is a huge rocket launcher or the Mini crossbow which knocks people out rather than killing 

them (Which isn't much of a difference in this game as they still count as dead, you just get more stuff and the UNATCO dudes like you more.)

JC: Why cant I have all three? All you're going to do is walk around in circles, besides, you only ever use an assault rifle if I shoot you for some reason or an assault shotgun to fight bad guys, but that's pretty late on, and how come you can apparently carry five guns while I can only have four, you're not going to use them! Its just not fair...

Paul: ...

JC: Well?

Paul: Do you want a gun or not? Jerk!

Back to the house

Dave: Whoa, I get to choose a weapon?

Stan: Yeah, basically do you want the sniper rifle which is great against people, especially over range, or do you want the GEP gun which is useful for taking out bots and is pretty hard to find otherwise?

Dave: What about the crossbow?

Stan: I don't even know why that's a choice, its basically just a newbie's trap. I mean, about half the enemies in the game drop them.

Dave: Gotcha, I want the rocket launcher

Stan: I thought as much

Dave: So what do I do now

Stan: That's up to you, basically you just get a vague objective and its up to you how you want to fulfil it. That's why this game is so awesome.

Dave: Doesn't sound that awesome to me, I prefer Halo, you just get to shoot stuff.

Stan: Well... You can kill most of the NPCs too, that's pretty fun sometimes

Dave: Well I just shot a rocket at this guy and he didn't die

Stan: That's Paul, he is pretty important to the storyline and he is also your brother... I advise running.

Dave: I just shot a rocket at my brother?

Stan: Don't get any ideas...

Dave: Ok... He seems to have stopped shooting me now anyway, but now my health is really low...

Stan: Maybe you should upgrade your medicine skill, that would solve your low HP problem and your reserve points problem.

Dave: Y'know... That's a good idea

Stan: Happy to help

Dave: Done, my guy is all better now... Wait, who are these guys

Stan: Those are terrorists

Dave: Okay, I get to shoot them, right?

Stan: Of course!

Dave: Awesome...

Stan: I wouldn't advise using the rocket launcher though

Dave: Why not?

Stan: Because you should really be aiming to knock them unconscious rather than kill them, I advise shooting them down to low health and then getting them with your riot prod

Dave: Well what the hell is the point of that? Why cant I just shoot them down to low health and then shoot them again? In what game do you have to be worried for the safety of your enemies?

Stan: Dave...

Dave: Im not finished! Its not like they are going to stop shooting me half way and say 'wait, we should be knocking this guy out instead'

Stan: Please...

Dave: SHUT UP! I mean, Oh wait! I know he is our enemy 'an all but don't hit him too hard, and make sure you put a cushion on the floor for him to fall down on...

Stan: Well... You seem to have obliterated them all now anyway.

Dave: Damn straight... But im out of rockets

Stan: Already?

Dave: Yeah, how do I get more?

Stan: Extra rockets are pretty rare, you should probably have just shot them with the pistol... You can't pick up their ammo once they are in pieces either.

Dave: Now you tell me...

JC Denton is sneaking up on a group of NSF terrorists, they quickly spot him and open fire

Stan: What mode are you playing on?

Dave: Easy

Stan: It shows

Dave: How the hell do they keep spotting me anyway?

Stan: I don't know... Wait, do you have your light switched on?

Dave: Oh... Yeah... Well it's not my fault, its always night in this game... And it's really hard to see anything.

Stan: Maybe it's just because they keep shooting you with tranquiliser darts. That's why your screen keeps going funny by the way.

Dave: Well what's the point of that? Tranquilisers do way more damage than being shot as it is

Stan: Its there because they knew that one day you would play this game and start shouting at it, and its there just to piss you off.

Dave: It damn well looks that way... And I see what you meant about the crossbow.

Stan: Told you

Dave: Well... That looks like the last of them

Stan: It sure does

Dave: Wait, who is this guy, a bum?

Stan: Don't shoot him!

Dave: Too late... why not anyway?

Stan: 'Cause he is invulnerable, you are supposed to talk to him but shooting him makes him run randomly around for hours.

Dave: He won't talk to me!

Stan: Nope, he is still busy panicking... He isn't really a bum either, he is...

Dave: I don't care; I just want him to stop running

Stan: Riiight

JC Denton has managed to get inside the NSF base by climbing a convenient pile of boxes, shaped almost like stairs, swearing a lot and killing a bunch of terrorists.

Dave: What's that beeping noise?

A gas grenade explodes in JC's face

Stan: Its a bomb

Dave: I can see that

Stan: You did ask

Dave: Just... Shut up!

Stan: But...

Dave: Why don't you be helpful and get me another coke!

Stan: Dude, why did you get so mad?

Dave: This thing is trying my patience... Really trying... Get me a COKE!

Stan: I think you should get it

Dave: I can't, im busy playing

Stan: Yeah, but if you don't stop the console might overheat and catch fire

Dave: Dude, it's a PS2, not an Xbox

Stan: Damn... I was hoping you wouldn't know the difference

Dave: Just because I don't play games 24/7 doesn't mean im an idiot y'know

Stan: Ok, you win... But im still not getting you anything

Dave: It doesn't matter now, this guy looks like a boss!

JC has reached the top of the tower and confronts the terrorist leader

JC: KILL!

Boss: Don't shoot, I surrender

Back to reality

Dave: WHAT?!

Stan: He... Surrendered

Dave: So why the hell did I have to go all this way, if he wanted to fucking surrender why couldn't he just come down to the fucking good-guy base?

Stan: Where's the fun in that?

Dave: WHERE'S THE FUN IN THIS FUCKING GAME!?

Stan: I think you need to calm down... You can shoot him anyway, y'know

Dave: I... Oh

Stan: Looks like you get what you want after all

Dave: No... It doesn't actually, that guy was pathetic... He had the same health as a basic guy

Stan: Well, at least you got him

Dave: I suppose

Stan: You didn't really have to stab his corpse with the knife that many times though

Dave: That's your opinion... What happens now?

Stan: You go onto the next mission

Dave: What, is it the same as this?

Stan: No, this one has cameras and bots and stuff... You're gonna love those

Dave: Aww hell no!

Dave throws down the controller and leaves the room

Stan: Do you want to save?

Dave (faintly): Fuck you

Stan: nice...

Stan loads up his own save file and continues to play in peace while Dave goes off to do whatever

The moral of this tale is, if you only want to shoot stuff stay the hell away from Deus Ex... And also that the government is evil. So... Yeah...


End file.
